Open Letter: Why Does God Hate Me?

I received a very touching email from a loyal reader which literally had me in tears. What’s sad is…we get a LOT of emails just like this one! So this time I asked our reader if it was okay to do an open letter (as long as I promised to keep her anonymous).

XXXXX writes:

Hi my name is XXXXXX . I love your blogs and your tweets but I’m having a hard time believing anything you say or tweet. Not calling you a liar, but lately I havent been feeling like faith is enough. i consider myself to be a woman of God but I don’t understand why God would allow me to go through so much pain, heartache, and struggle. Where should I begin? umm let’s see:

2 years ago my husband became very ill and passed away suddenly. Turned out he was was living a double life on the down low and had contracted HIV. After learning about this, I decided to go get tested and I tested positive as well. We have two kids together. My oldest did not contract the virus, but my youngest did. A couple of months after that, my mom passed away. She was my best friend. Oh and did I mention every friend that I thought I had has disappeared. I lost my job, health insurance, home, and about to lose my mind. I’m beginning to think God hates me. I read your tweets/ blog and say to myself  “How can I stay positive when God allows things like this to happen?”  You probably don’t even believe some of the things you tweet yourself. But then again It’s easy for someone who has a decent life to be grateful. But answer me this… If you had my life, “would you be grateful?”

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Hi XXXXXX , My heart really goes out to you and your family. I know it was hard for you to open up to me, so I’ll open up to you!

For starters , I wasn’t always the encouraging person I am today. In fact, it was my past situations, trials, and tribulations  that made me the person ,I am today. Reading your letter I couldn’t help but cry because I used to be you! Our stories are way too similar. No, I don’t have HIV. But I know what it’s like to wonder if God hates you. Years ago, I went through a divorce, I lost my mom, job, I was homeless, Not knowing how I was going to feed my child. Oh and friends? Chile please…. friends are the first to go when you’re down and out. BUT, that’s the way God wants it to be. He wants you to depend on HIM, Not friends. Back then I wasn’t saved, so I didn’t know much about scriptures. But this one bible verse  changed my life  1 Peter 1:6- “So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. ”

After reading that verse, I decided I had tried it my way (for 2 years) but my life continued to spiral downhill, So I decided to do things God way. I started praising Him for EVERYTHING!  I was thankful that my child and myself was able to sleep on a family members couch instead of having to sleep in my car OR on the street. I was praising Him for food that I didn’t even like, but had to eat because it was all I could afford. My bucket would break down once a month, But guess what? I never complained, I was praising God it was $150 to fix instead of $1,500.  The more I stayed in that word, The more things started to shift. The more I started to praise Him for the little bit I had, the more He gave me.

So trust me when I tell you, EVERYTHING  I tweet/ blog about is real. I can care less about how many re-tweets I get. BUT when someone email, tweet, or message me just to say… They were about to give up, but my message encouraged them to keep going, That makes it all worthwhile. I do it because I remember where I came from. I asked God to use me to encourage others who are where I used to be.

I’m not downplaying your condition, BUT HIV is not a death sentence. You can live a long healthy life with  HIV and outlive someone who doesn’t have HIV. Don’t stop living your life because you’re just waiting to die. Maybe you should think about using your condition  to encourage others who are having a hard time dealing with HIV and thinking about giving up. Ask God to use you  for His Glory and He’ll order your steps. And to answer your question… Yes, I would still be grateful if I had your life. You should too. You should be grateful everyday you wake up because somebody somewhere, DIDN’T!

God Bless you! You are definitely in my prayers.

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2 comments
Denita
Denita

I was born to two teenagers, 15 and 18. they had to get married. they had no money. I was not a cute baby doll. I was a real baby. I was hungry, needed diapers changed, etc. I was a mistake. I was beat with a belt, no matter what I did wrong. we lived in a tiny town. everyone knew everything about everyone. parents told their children not to play with me. my father drank heavy and was very abusive. my mother used the abuse to get sympathy. I was abused and neglected. I had no one I could talk to. I was mistreated at school. teachers didn't want me in their classes. I wound up getting pregnant at 17. no real shocker there. I wanted to be loved. I didn't know what it was. the guy I married was a carbon copy of my dad. he drank heavy and beat me. later I caught him with a girl and I left. I soon married another guy. guess what! another abuser, except he used drugs then beat me up. a few years later, I met a boy. he became my best friend. I loved him as my best friend. I trusted him. well, it seems he made some brags to his buds that he was going to marry me. they gave him a hard time and laughed at him. so he told his mom. they came up with a plan and I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. 2 more children and another miserable, failed marriage, I was alone again...but with 3 babies to feed. I did everything I could for money. then I met a guy who was amazing. he was tall, smart, well educated, handsome. he treated me so wonderfully. I finally knew what love was. as our relationship progressed, I noticed some bad things about him, but he wasn't beating me up, so I dismissed them. a year into our relationship, I got pregnant. he pushed me into getting an abortion. I felt so dirty, disgusting...evil. I hate myself even now and that was 26 years ago. we did marry. everything was great...for a while. then his bad side started showing up, more and more...in new ways. I stayed by him and did my best to be a good wife. the harder I tried, the harder he made it. he punished me if I made him mad. I didn't do the dinner dishes, for example, and he punished me. towards the end of the marriage, I only had 2 pair of worn out old shoes. my panties were 10 years old and older. he only gave me 300 a month to buy food, meds (I have scleroderma and no thyroid), gas, clothes, shoes...that amount barely fed our family. by then, I had 4 children. there was nothing left over for personal needs. I even cut my pills in half because I couldn't afford to buy them every month. he makes 120,000 a year. but I couldn't touch his money. he put me down and compared me to other women. they were always better than me. he cheated on me, lied to me, lied about me, stole my things and sold them, threw away my clothes, and even managed to turn my children against me. the children I did everything I could for! he wouldn't even buy our daughter a prom gown. she had to wear a used, out-dated one. she was in a wreck and received 10,000 because the seatbelt broke. he spent all her money. never has repaid a dime. and won't. finally, he left me for a woman 20 years younger than me. he laughed at me and said I was stupid for not seeing the signs. my children laughed at me and have chosen him over me. I didn't ask them to choose. I'm 58, I'm disabled, but never worked (was a home mom) so I can't receive disability. I get a small alimony check while he and his girlfriend live in a luxury condo overlooking the water. I've lost everything but my furniture and my cat. I'm alone. I'm tired. I've been beaten by someone all my life. I've prayed so hard my sides hurt. I never miss a day or night without praying. but my life only gets worse. if I stand up for myself, my children get mad at me and then I don't hear from them. they don't love me. I'm just a nuisance to them. I would die for them. and they would be happy I was gone. I don't believe God loves me. how could he allow a lifetime of hurt, fear and abuse? I will soon lose my home. I have no where to go. no one wants me, not even God. I begged him tonight to please show me he loves me. I would've taken anything, no matter how small. but he didn't answer. he has to hate me. why else would he allow my whole life to be one nightmare after another? I don't have anyone...and God hates me. my children don't love me. all I know is hurt. why does God hate me? it's clear that he does.

lmiller12
lmiller12

I feel like every time I pray for someone they get heal or amazingly bless,running over.So I did prey for the lady above but I need someone to pray for me.I don't have any friends,so my friends can't pray for me,and I will pray for you and believe in return.You have to believe also.So can someone pray that I don't lose my job or God will bless me to find a great one soon? Because I was in a accident a few days ago and was ran off the road,after being heard I was going to be promoted at my new job.I stay one city away from my job,so I must have a car.It sucks because it took me over a month to get this job,and so much security checks, and etc.Also,my husband has been incarcenated but has a 50/50 chance to come home in June 2016,he has been gone for 2years and he went away for being at the wrong place at the wrong time and someone was assualted/beated and stab and that person said they dont remember and also said it wasnt him but husband still got accuse.So can you pray that he will come home June 2016? All this is true.Thank you very much,God bless

Always in my prayers