My Spirit Feels So Broken And My Faith Shaken
Dear Praying Woman page, I’ve been following you for few of months now and it’s been such a blessing to me! I’m going through a very rough time at the moment and I was hoping that you would share my story anonymously on your page as I can use some guidance and prayers from your over 1 million followers. 17 months ago, at the age of 29, I married a Christian man who I thought loved me and I felt like he was the answer to my prayers. I forgave a lot of wrongdoings in his past, I left my family and friends and moved to his city 5 hours away excited to start our new life together. As soon as we were married, starting our honeymoon, he turned into a different person. Within the first week I was shaken so bad and so shocked by his actions that I regretted getting married. This was the first time I experienced marital abuse. His emotional abuse and manipulations continued throughout our 15 month long marriage. I tried everything I could think of and he wasn’t responding to anything. I was always to blame for everything, I wasn’t allowed to speak my thoughts and feelings and his idea of submission was completely controlling, dominating every aspect of my existence. If we went to counselling he would find faults with counselor and stop going after couple of sessions. If we were reading books he would find faults with the author or the advice and stop reading. And he blamed me constantly and put me down and treated me like inferior and an object through it all. I got more and more mentally and physically sick by his emotional abuse and finally after 15 months with the help of my family I packed up my belongings and drove 5 hours back to my parents house. I have since found out that he most likely suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and all my efforts to get him to understand why I had to leave has lead into more arguments, more insults, more attacks and more accusations from him. My soul, my spirit feels so broken and my faith shaken. I’ve prayed and prayed and hoping God will show me the way or soften his heart. I truly believe there is a lot of darkness and evil taking hold of his heart and I don’t see much hope for reconciliation. I’m still recovering from the trauma of living with him for these 15 months and it’s hard because I had to leave my job over there and have been suffering financially as well as he cut me off right away.
Lately I feel like God must be angry at me, I’ve prayed so much about my situation.. I’ve asked everyone I meet to pray for me.. I even went searching online for websites that take prayer requests and asked them for prayers.. I feel like God has taken everything away from me and I’m at the lowest I’ve ever been. He took my marriage away, my job, friends, spirit and and any reason to live.. I know that I’m responsible for the decisions I’ve made in my life but I’ve asked for His guidance and help so much over the last few years and my situation just gets worse. Since I left my abusive marriage few months ago, I know that my abuser is having the time of his life, more money than he knows what to do with, all our belongings and he spread so much false negativity about me to everyone we knew to make himself feel better and make me look like the one at fault. He is living with friends who are barely out of high school and acting not as a Christian man should, getting involved in destructive activities that I won’t share here. I am left broken, broke and without support. I have college education yet I can’t get any employers to call me back and my prayers seem to go unanswered. The complete silence of God makes me wonder, have I been a bad Christian? Am I not deserving of His answers? Why is He letting me suffer so bad, while my abuser gets to have everything and get away with anything?
I truly would appreciate any guidance or advice on this as well as all your prayers.