My Spirit Feels So Broken And My Faith Shaken

sad woman

Dear Praying Woman page, I’ve been following you for few of months now and it’s been such a blessing to me! I’m going through a very rough time at the moment and I was hoping that you would share my story anonymously on your page as I can use some guidance and prayers from your over 1 million followers. 17 months ago, at the age of 29, I married a Christian man who I thought loved me and I felt like he was the answer to my prayers. I forgave a lot of wrongdoings in his past, I left my family and friends and moved to his city 5 hours away excited to start our new life together. As soon as we were married, starting our honeymoon, he turned into a different person. Within the first week I was shaken so bad and so shocked by his actions that I regretted getting married. This was the first time I experienced marital abuse. His emotional abuse and manipulations continued throughout our 15 month long marriage. I tried everything I could think of and he wasn’t responding to anything. I was always to blame for everything, I wasn’t allowed to speak my thoughts and feelings and his idea of submission was completely controlling, dominating every aspect of my existence. If we went to counselling he would find faults with counselor and stop going after couple of sessions. If we were reading books he would find faults with the author or the advice and stop reading. And he blamed me constantly and put me down and treated me like inferior and an object through it all. I got more and more mentally and physically sick by his emotional abuse and finally after 15 months with the help of my family I packed up my belongings and drove 5 hours back to my parents house. I have since found out that he most likely suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and all my efforts to get him to understand why I had to leave has lead into more arguments, more insults, more attacks and more accusations from him. My soul, my spirit feels so broken and my faith shaken. I’ve prayed and prayed and hoping God will show me the way or soften his heart. I truly believe there is a lot of darkness and evil taking hold of his heart and I don’t see much hope for reconciliation. I’m still recovering from the trauma of living with him for these 15 months and it’s hard because I had to leave my job over there and have been suffering financially as well as he cut me off right away.
Lately I feel like God must be angry at me, I’ve prayed so much about my situation.. I’ve asked everyone I meet to pray for me.. I even went searching online for websites that take prayer requests and asked them for prayers.. I feel like God has taken everything away from me and I’m at the lowest I’ve ever been. He took my marriage away, my job, friends, spirit and and any reason to live.. I know that I’m responsible for the decisions I’ve made in my life but I’ve asked for His guidance and help so much over the last few years and my situation just gets worse. Since I left my abusive marriage few months ago, I know that my abuser is having the time of his life, more money than he knows what to do with, all our belongings and he spread so much false negativity about me to everyone we knew to make himself feel better and make me look like the one at fault. He is living with friends who are barely out of high school and acting not as a Christian man should, getting involved in destructive activities that I won’t share here. I am left broken, broke and without support. I have college education yet I can’t get any employers to call me back and my prayers seem to go unanswered. The complete silence of God makes me wonder, have I been a bad Christian? Am I not deserving of His answers? Why is He letting me suffer so bad, while my abuser gets to have everything and get away with anything?

I truly would appreciate any guidance or advice on this as well as all your prayers.

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  1. One more note sister….do not let the evil one snipe in your ear and look at your husband and feel judgment that he seems to be prospering at your expense.

    That is the master trick of the devil, if he can bring you to judge your husband before God, then God must also judge you and we are removed from the blood in which there is not judgment….

    As Jesus says, “Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are going with him to court, lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you be put in prison. Truly, I say to you, you will never get out until you have paid the last penny.”

    and again, “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.”

    I am not saying that in human terms your husband is not the villain and you the victim, I am saying that currency gets you nowhere with Jesus who died for all of our sins.

    Jesus does not rate sinners from tallest to shortest (he just sees sinners and the Righteous), but the evil one loves to get us to think about sinners and move from grace to judgment and from Light to darkness.

    We will feel the hate, the anger, and the bitterness….let us remember to let the Lord know, as we weep at his feet, that we will not own to the fleshy desire for equity in judgment, but instead crave the warmth of Grace in His Life and His putting away (remission) of our sins “and not just ours but the sins of the entire world”….

    We look not into darkness but walk in the Light…we pray…if you would but lead us out of darkness our Good Shepherd….

  2. I am sorry to hear what you are going through as well as all the others who have responded who are going through the same thing or have been through. I have not been in such a situation and as a young woman waiting for love and marriage these stories only would make me more scared. However my hope is in the the Lord. I know it may seem like cliche everyone keep telling you to keep on praying and that God is an on-time God. The reality is, it is true. I may not have gone through the same thing you are going through but I have lost what I thought was everything, was scared to face tomorrow and was tired of everyone telling me it will get better, I will soon get to the end of the tunnel. But that’s when I learned the power of God’s strength. That’s when God’s word became alive to me. Without going on, as I am prone to do, I just want to encourage you to hold out and keep on praying and reading his word. God may be silent but he does hear us when we pray. He is faithful and he never gives us more than we can bare. Stay in the word, it is your weapon against the satan’s lies, it is the voice of God, it offers comfort, hope, direction. Everything you need is in the word. I took a lot of comfort from Psalms. For every emotion there is a Psalm and most of them always ends in the psalmist saying he has hope or trusts in the Lord. These are some of my go-to scriptures:
    Psalm 11, 13, 16, 23, 25, 26, 27, 28, 34, 38, 40, 61, 69. Rom 8:28; Philippians 4:6-7; 1 Thes 5:16-18; James 1:2-4; 1 John 5:14-15; Lam 3:21-26. God sometimes speaks in a whispher 1 Kings 19:11-12. I hope these help but no matter what, keep on praying and reading His word.

  3. As I read more and more of your post, the experience you endured with your husband reminded me very much of an experience I had with someone with whom I had not been married but due to circumstances, had to spend a great deal of time around for two years. I felt so drained that I found myself researching his behaviour and this led me to the conclusion that he was suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder but the more covert kind. I had been interested in this person but I thank the Lord that things did not work out and that I am free.

    Given that you are married to person showing those same dark and evil symptoms, I cannot even begin to imagine the extent of your pain.

    At times, God allows certain things to happen to us which leave us wondering why but because he is God, sometimes we may never understand.

    After every traumatic experience, there is healing and Jesus is the greatest physician. Ask him therefore to heal your broken heart and to remove any bitterness you may feel toward God, your husband and your situation.

    I would advise you to stop confessing that you are mentally sick. After being around someone with Narcissism for a prolonged period of time, it sometimes makes you feel that way due to the extent of the mind games, manipulations and psychological abuse. However, they are the ones that are mentally sick, not you. They try to transfer what they are dealing with unto you and if you accept that, then they would have won. Confess in Jesus’ name that you are whole and when you feel like you can, pray that your husband gets the help that he needs and comes to the realization that he needs it.

    I know that you are upset that things seem to be going great for him but the bible says to fret not thyself because of evil doers. Like you, there was a time that David in the bible wondered why God seemed to be silent to his prayers and for so long. He wondered why so many bad things were happening to those who loved God and so many good things to those who did evil. He could not understand why they were prospering while he was suffering. But then, God reminded him that even through the silence, he God was there. He also reminded David that he God sees everything that occurs on the earth and that their end would inevitably be self-destructive.

    Psalm 37 is a very good chapter to read during your trying time. So is also Psalms 10, 13, 22 and 42.

    If you are a child of God then you are more than a conqueror through Christ Jesus and this too shall pass. May almighty God bless and sustain and keep you, in Jesus’ name.

    Love, Lisa.

  4. Be still. God is fighting for us. We may not find God’s hand at work but HE is. When the heaven seems silent know that HE is preparing something for us. He is the great I AM. He is ABLE. Nothing is impossible with God. Keep the faith. Rest in HIS promises. Delight yourself in the Lord. :)

  5. 1-you have to love yourself more
    2-you have to forgive yourself and then him
    3-there is a lesson in the pain.

    God isn’t punishing you, God is near you right now the most. He loves the brokenhearted. I am someone who has been in abusive relationships and never understood why me, why this, what that.

    WHY NOT YOU? In terms of the suffering, the pain, the crying. God suffered much more than this. I know it’s hard to hear and hard to see but stay in prayer, stay in faith and love yourself.

    My best advice-write your ex a letter (don’t mail it) about how he hurt you, etc. Then throw it away. Then pray that you begin to forgive him, forgive you and you will heal.

    Look in the mirror and each day vow to love yourself more. Treat yourself the way that others should treat you. Date you. Go to dinner by yourself, movies, spa day, go back to school, go do what you need in life for you..This time, this moment, is about you because if you don’t do for you and love you, this will be a cycle repeated and maybe it already has and you just never noticed it until it became this violent.

    God chose you. He chose each of us to have his moment with us and for you to be a testimony/witness to that other woman that was abused. You showed someone how to walk away, you saved yourself and God spoke to you on that day, in that moment and gave you the strength, faith, hope, courage to walk away and love you more. The more you step to him, he will draw closer to you.

    Write, release, cry and it’s okay.
    I used to sit at my desk and cry most of the day
    Now I feel so blessed, that the tears were saved up for the blessings that are being reaped right now.

    I had a friend once tell me-you will meet someone and you will not have to cry, shout, etc and this will be the man for you. I never believed her. 4years later, I met a man that wouldn’t hurt a fly. Do you know all he asked me-please don’t make me pay for him. This is a man of God, a praying man, a man that knows the word better than me. A man that loves God and has such a heart for God…AND I haven’t cried. We are really good friends and I feel that this is right but I’m allowing God into every area and aspect.

    Trust me-God is right there with you