It’s a simple question, but I didn’t have a simple answer. I sat on my bed pondering that question over and over in my mind. After an hour, I came to a conclusion. The answer was no. It was a question that I posed to myself after having a life changing conversation with my then boyfriend. He and I had been on again and off again for quite awhile. It seemed as if we kept going around the same mountain over and over, without a clear resolution in site. After our conversation that night, I discovered one of the main reasons….
All I remember hearing was “Denise, you’re a runner” Now for those who aren’t familiar, this is a derogatory term often used (among teenagers) to describe a woman who has been intimate with many men. Of course my initial reaction was shock and offense. “Excuse me, what did you just call me”? He replied “Denise, I don’t mean that type of runner. I mean when you face adversity and things get rough, you run. You don’t like to stick things out”. I was completely taken aback. Why? It was because he was right.
Rewind the tape of my dating history…
Although I hadn’t had much “real” dating experience, there were a few guys in my past whom I briefly “dated”. As I reflected on the words spoken that night, I was reminded that each ended with the same scenario. I broke it off with every…single…one of them. There was no explanation. No warning. Nothing. When things didn’t go “my” way, I simply walked away from the person and relationship. I didn’t want to face any type of pain, rejection, or abandonment. So, I figured the easiest way for me to avoid that was to simply walk way. For years that worked for me, but not once did I ever consider how the other person felt. Until now…
Silenced echoed on the other end of the phone. For the first time in my life, I was literally speechless. As much I didn’t want to admit it, he was absolutely correct. I felt awful. Awful for the trail of broken hearts that I left behind. I felt awful for the pain that I was causing him. Just awful. I was comfortable running. I didn’t have to deal with my issues of abandonment when I was running. I wouldn’t have to feel relationship pain if I ran. Running was all I knew.
Often times we are so oblivious to our behavior. Up until this point, I had been extremely unaware . I believe God allows people to enter our lives to help reveal our flaws. Had we never dated (again) or had that conversation, I would still be running. I’m grateful that God used him to speak to me that night. That conversation completely opened my eyes to so many things that I needed to work on within myself. Although we have since parted ways, that day forever changed my life.
The Bible says in 2 Timothy1:7 “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control”.
There is a greater power called the “Holy Spirit” working within me. Therefore, I no longer have to run when things get rough. We never know who God will use to speak to us. Luckily I’ve learned how to stop running so I can hear Him when He does.
“Would You Date You?”
Finally, I can confidently answer that question with a firm “yes”.