I think that in addition to the relationship issue itself, there is the issue of having lost faith in ourselves and in the validity and sincerity of our repentance. It seems that after I had made a sold out commitment to Christ and then still ran away into a sinful off limits relationship that messed up my life and his , because I didn’t want to obey on something, and then after that got messed up, got right into another relationship because this guy seemed to affirm and spoil me for a time, well lets just say that I haven’t alot of faith in myself that I can be sincerely repentant this time. I mean I did these things at least in part because they appealed to some issues and desires in my life and despite my sold out commitment to walk with God from now on, I was soon running off. I guess i haven’t got much faith in my faith and doubt my own credibility and sincerity.

I got really hurt in this relationship as well. At first it was heaven. He pursued me like gangbusters, showering me with everything I needed including some very generous gifts and serving me with many practical helps. He was so tender and nurturing that I couldn’t get enough of it. At the same time, there were some inexplicable acts of treating me cruelly. And once I accepted his proposal he began to do things that seemed very off for someone supposedly in love with a woman he wanted to marry. He went gaga over my sister and went on at length about her qualities to me, after I had just given my heart and commitment and then later on after complimenting my long hair during a lover’s moment, asked me if she ever wore her hair long. I mean I am laying in his arms in a marriage like way and he is asking me about how my sister wears her hair. He began to show interest in a woman at my job, asking personal questions and fishing for information about her private life in front of me, speculating on her sexual/relationship prospects, commenting that she was neat and clean and decent looking and should be able to find someone to play with, wanting to drive out to the town she lived in ” to see if we could spot her house”, etc.

He had a former lover who he had not properly concluded the relationship with though he had claimed they were just friends. One day I find him in the garage discussing me with her. He texted her to tell her of our engagement and told her that he thought of her often and missed her. Needless to say I was rather upset. He lied to me to cover up that he was contacting her to tell her happy birthday and said the same words, I miss you and think of you often. Around this time he made some joke about having two women at the same time. He used foul language, made remarks that were rather dirty or unseemly and had an anger problem. I found out he’d been looking at porn on his phone and had some issues with masturbation. It seemed to me that some of his behavior was playing head games. He would say things that were put downs but deny it. It started off with me being so beautiful, so wonderful, so special. The effect on me was to create an almost addiction to it and I began to feel this strange anxiety. I went from being beautiful and a hottie and so special t him to being too fat though if i gained weight it was maybe ten or fifteen pounds and to have him making remarks about my weight often enough for it be offensive. In the end though clearly some of my own issues were in play, I began to think that this man had some real issues that he was not dealing with and that he played some rather cruel head games. He had said he was willing to hear any feedback I had on our relationship or concerns I had but when things that were inappropriate kept happening and I kept having to bring them up he began to get very defensive and say I made him feel like a little boy who was always in trouble. I wound up being so dependent on his compliments and affirmations that at the end of it I just felt like a worn out old shoe with no beauty and no talent. He was always trying to push me to do things but couldn’t seem to just let me be me.

The more he did it, the less I was able to function and feel safe in the relationship. He suffered from depression and other related things and I once had noticed that he listened to really raunchy dark rock music and had told him that this was not good stuff for someone who was severely depressed and on psych meds, and struggled to have joy and positivity because it was all death misery and despair and he got really upset with me and after that for MONTHS he hassled me claiming that I “didn’t like music”. Even after I said to him that was silly, he knew I had sung on a worship team and that I loved music, just not dark depressing worldly music he continued to put me down and claim I was a dour person who didn’t like music. Stuff like that would happen where he would really react to something I said as if it was unforgivable.

Yet he did not seem to think his actions were a problem . We had wound up living together. We agreed to be abstinent after a time because I began to be very unhappy and while I had wanted to marry him at first, that desire began to fade as he began to constantly change his standards and expectations, clearly because he was valuing me less because I wasn’t measuring up. He thought if we were right for each other we should just know what the other wanted and needed. I became convinced that not only could I not marry him because he wasn’t serious about God and wasn’t repentant over sin issues and how he was treating me, but I also began to think that I wasn’t free to marry anyone having been married before. I had abandoned my daughter and first husband and had run off. So I felt I needed to go home and end the relationship and trust God with the whole thing.

This man helped me get home and we both cried over my leaving. He refused to let me pay for the trip saying he was helping me because he loved me and understood I needed to do this. He made the trip miserable and one huge stress ball so we couldn’t even have some closure and understanding. But then of course I got a text from him later laying a real guilt trip on me for everything he did for me at no cost to me. I liked him taking care of me but though i would offer to pay for things he would not allow me most of the time but then he would make me feel ashamed and guilty for what he did for me. But the relationship was so destructive to me and I was so hurt, I couldn’t think straight. For the first month I was back I did nothing but cry. Everything reminded me of him and often still does because somehow in my mind certain things became totally associated with him.

He did not like being told that some of his behaviors and actions were emotionally abusive because that’s not how he saw himself. He saw himself as a really kind tender sensitive man who was very loving. And he did have that side to him. The trouble was he had the other side too that could be very verbally and emotionally abusive and demeaning. He would say that he never said or did anything to hurt or belittle me, usually after he had just done something hurtful or belittling. We had an issue with him always groping my breasts and making comments about them. He paid alot of attention to them and wanted me to consent to him taking pictures of them so he could take them out at work and get himself all jazzed up which I said no to. He tried to manipulate me saying his late wife had trusted him enough to allow that and so I must not trust him. I said I don’t trust anyone that much. I thought it creepy. He would not stop groping me and making remarks one day and it resulted in my having a traumatic ptsd type reaction to it. Well he apparently was so hurt by this incident that implied he had done something very wrong to me that he would bring it up over and over again as if he was the one who was the most hurt by it.

The trouble with relationships like this is that they are not black and white. The genuine parts of him, where he would try to have integrity at times and try to do the right and fair thing, made it hard for me to see that he was being abusive to me. Yet I find myself still grieving over him and I am rather destroyed over the whole thing. My walk with God and my heart feel so divided and I feel so failed and so guilty of departing from God that i have serious doubts I could commit to Him again, that He would listen or hear me or take me back and that i could mean it . Plus it feels cruel and as if I am cruelly dumping him, though I don’t think its a morally right relationship. Arrrggh. You needn’t post this in fact I’d pefer you didn’t because of the amount of detail, but if you are willing to respond I’d be grateful

Its been 4 mos. already since we broke up. I still love him and keep on praying for him that he will be able to know Jesus, that he will love Jesus deeply..though it breaks me most of the time knowing that he has already a girlfriend which is also a Christian but still I keep on praying for him with groaning that he will be closer to the Lord..