An Open Letter To My Ex-Husband

I prayed for you- Mr. Right, but when you came along I forget all about God. I didn’t talk to Him anymore. I didn’t spend time with Him anymore. I barely found time to pray, except for when things were going bad for us.

I can honestly say that I chose my “Mr. Right” without consulting with God and it only lead to disaster and heartache. Before we got married, I should have checked my motives.

Why do I want to get married?

Is it for the right reasons?

I remember when we first started dating. I was convinced that you were a gift from God. You were so different from all the other men I had dated before you. You were a protector, a provider, and it was evident to everyone who saw us together that you loved some me. We argued frequently because it was also evident that I didn’t love you as much as you loved me. I loved you, but I wasn’t in love with you. There’s a big difference. I was in love with the idea of being a family. Our daughter deserved to have a family. Not just 2 divorced parents. I was in love with the idea of having a partner. Someone I could rely on when I needed him. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t alone. But I wasn’t in love with my husband.

Two years into our marriage, we were to the point of sleeping in two separate rooms. We had agreed to basically live as roommates for the sake of our daughter. That lasted a few months and then one day you packed your bags and never returned.

I prayed night and day for God to return you home to me. I prayed that He would soften your heart towards me just enough for me to pour my heart out to you.  I was sure that if you saw me cry and saw just how sorry and torn up I was, you would forgive me and be home in no time. I begged and pleaded with God to give me a chance to make my marriage right. All I needed was one chance. I promised I would love you like I’ve never loved you before. All I needed was the chance to show both, you and God that I could be a loving wife.

But it didn’t happen. I began to become bitter and my mind had a million questions running through it that only God could answer.

“Why would God allow my husband to divorce me? I mean… I repented. I said I was sorry.”

“What happened to God being a forgiving God? “

I was forgiven, but God knew my motives. He knew my heart wasn’t in my marriage.  I was looking for someone to fill a void that only He could fill. He knew at that moment, I wasn’t capable of being anyone’s wife. This was not a union that was entered with God’s blessings to start with. As hard as it is to admit, I got married for all the wrong reasons. I was making a mockery of marriage. I took something that was supposed to be sacred and made it about my ego…. And for that, I owe you an apology!

I apologize!