When Forgiveness Seems Impossible

Forgiveness Seems Impossible


Almost 2 years ago my cousin and her best friend went missing. My whole family knew something was terribly wrong because…

1. My cousin would never willingly leave her family.
2. Her best friend had a toddler at home whom she would have never left behind.
3. My cousin’s car was found, but no sign of her or her best friend.

I prayed to God to let us find them. I did not ask to find them alive because I already knew, somehow that it was too late for that.

I just begged God to allow us to find their bodies so they could at least be laid to rest. God delivered my request. They were both found.

The next request I asked of God was to help officers find whoever murdered those innocent, beautiful girls and left all of us grieving, so that our families could maybe have some peace. God also delivered on that prayer. Two boys were arrested for their murders.

I did not ask God for anything else other than to allow us all some peace and comfort in such a terrible tragedy. He gave me this also. I am thankful to God for ALL of the blessings in my life.

It is not God who I am angry at. I learned a long time ago not to question God and His ways as I know He loves me, and you, all of us. But men and their ways, those I question.

Jury selection for 1 of the boys involved was supposed to start today. The one who pulled the trigger. The one who battered my cousin’s beautiful face in a way that we could not even gaze upon her one last time before we buried her. He plead guilty before the jury selection could even begin.

In a way I’m thankful for that, glad my Aunt and Uncle and cousins didn’t have to relive the gory details of this tragedy in a cold, stark courtroom. But I’m also angry. The boy was sentenced to 55 years concurrently for two murders and armed robbery, with a chance of parole after serving 85%, and I am trying to find the justice in that.

How is that a man can take the lives of two young ladies (18 and 22), just babies starting their lives and only have to give up half of his own in return? How is it that he took our beloved  from us, but doesn’t get life in prison?

I am angry and bitter and confused. I am sad and heavy hearted and tired. I feel battered and weak and weary. I have been carrying all of this around for 2 years. I have tried so hard so many times to gain closure. I have tried so hard to lay my burden at God’s feet. I want so badly to forgive those boys, but every time I try, the anger and bitterness and weariness only grows.

I have never been one to hold a grudge. I have never had any problem openly and freely forgiving. But how do I forgive someone who took someone so precious from us?

How do I forgive the Judge for the sentence that we all find too short? I question the ways of men. I question why and how those boys could do this to us. I question the system run by men who would offer such a plea bargain with, seemingly, no regard of sympathy for our families.

I question lawyers who choose to defend murderers. And I question my lack of ability to forgive. Please pray for me!

When you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against. ~Mark 11:25