Haven’t blogged in a while, but today my heart is heavy so I decided to blog about my feelings. I am known to my readers for being a woman of God who goes through trials just like every other woman in the world. So here’s why my heart has been heavy…
Just a few months ago, I lost a person who was very dear to my heart. I met this person through a mutual friend and we formed a friendship instantly. This man was truly a positive light in my life, he was God-fearing, honest, and very humble.
When we first met it was kind of unusual. He didn’t live in the same city or state as me which made it kind of interesting and fun. We had a spiritual connection and we communicated daily whether it was by phone, skype, or whatsapp. Basically we utilized every form of medium to communicate.
One thing I did admire about him the most is that he would always remind me to keep God first, follow my dreams, and know that God is the light.
Not a day went by that we did not talk to each other. But something happened back in August. The phone calls, whatsapp notifications, and skype calls stopped. So me being the typical woman I am, I sent him a message saying “so you’re ignoring me ?”
He responds by saying “ Yatta I am very ill please pray for me” .
In that moment, I asked God to heal him and also I dismissed him. I took it as if he was playing games or just didn’t want to be bothered. In actuality he was terminally ill.
Even though I let the devil come into my mind and create all these irrational thoughts, I did not stop praying, caring or thinking about him.
During the week of October 6th something in my spirit prompted me to call him so I called, text, called and called… still no answer. He was on my mind and heavy on my heart. I wanted him to know that I missed his encouragement and I missed him overall.
Early morning of October 9th I received word that he had passed away. My morning was full of so much grief and shame at the same time. I had allowed the devil to come into my mind and make me selfish instead of being that positive light he was to me, when he needed me the most.
Nonetheless I prayed for his soul and I asked God for forgiveness for allowing the devil to fill my mind with crazy thoughts that wasn’t true.
Forgiveness, Forgiveness, and Forgiveness this word keeps popping up in my mind and spirit.
Just a few months before his death, we were having a conversation about my father. Specifically, the emotional neglect I felt from my father and that’s when he asked me a question that is so profound now.
He asked, “ Can you do something for me ?”
I replied, “ it depends on what it is”.
He then responded, “Can you find a way in your heart to forgive your father for me ?”.
My response was laughter like a nervous little girl who needed her father. I didn’t want to, but a few weeks ago I wrote my father this brief message:Hey Dad, I want you to know that I forgive you for not being emotionally present in my life, I’m 33 years old and I have searched for love in all the wrong places , I would limit myself to men who were always emotionally unavailable and people who I thought were my friends. I thank you for the foundation you built for me as being a provider and showing me that hard work will get me far in this life, but I never felt the love that I needed from you to conqueror the world and how to decipher the good and bad in men. Whatever happened between you and my mom did not change the fact that I am your daughter and you have three precious daughters who needed you the most along with your sons. So I’m breaking this chain and I will not be limited to emotionally unavailable people anymore, and I will not be stuck in a rut of seeking love in things that’s not God like. I love you and I forgive you. Love Yatta
When I sent that message , I felt so liberated and I was full of so many different emotions. I thought of my friend and I now know what his purpose was in my life.
You know the quote “people are placed in your life for a reason and season”?
I declare I will not be bonded by my circumstances. I was reminded by the bible scripture: “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you” (Matthew 6:14)
Forgiveness is a wonderful thing , it allows you to have a new lease on life.