Trying Not To Be Bitter, But It’s Hard

couple arguing

My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We don’t have any children because he is terrified. Beyond his fear, he says that we don’t have the finances to raise a child, we don’t have the time, he doesn’t think he would be a good father, his career in law enforcement has ruined him, he doesn’t like change (AT ALL!), etc… I see every statement as an excuse and selfish. We’ve had countless discussions and they don’t get us anywhere. He professes to have an extremely deep, personal relationship with the Lord, but how can he when he is denying me a child? He says he loves me more than life itself, but does he? If he did, he would seek help for his fears and have a child with me.

I left him a few times last year because of this and some other issues, but I couldn’t stay away. I hate that I love him so much! He is a wonderful husband and very tender and sensitive to me, and that makes it even harder for me because I know he would be an amazing father! Meanwhile, I am dying inside. I’m numb most of the time and fake a happy smile in public. I am trying not to be bitter, but it’s hard. So hard. My friends tell me to leave him, but I won’t. I don’t have a peace from the Lord to do that again. They tell me to get artificially inseminated, regardless of what he thinks, but I’m not comfortable with that either. I need advice, and I need prayers please. I beg of all of you. I’m losing myself and my arms ache to hold a baby

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