When You’re Not Sure if The Friendship is Really Worth it

best friends

This summer I went on an all girls trip with several of my friends to the Bahamas. I had a ball. I think I can speak for the rest of the group as well and say, “we all did”!

It was a much needed vacation considering I can’t remember the last time I actually had a real vacation. It was awesome!

Until it was ruined by one of the ladies on the trip. Not just any one of the ladies on the trip, it was my best friend. We have been through so much in the 15 years we have been friends. Some good, some bad. Lately, I would say majority being bad.

Like I said, it was supposed to be an all girls get away. No spouses, No kids. On the third day of our trip, we noticed that my friend was puling further and further away from the group. Spending more time in her room, disappearing to make phone calls for long periods of time, all the signs of someone who was homesick. We concluded that she was most likely just missing her husband and 15 month old baby. Boy were we wrong!

We decided to all get together for a sunrise breakfast. As we all gathered around the table, we counted 6 girls. Someone was missing. Once again, it’s the same person- My “homesick” bestie. I tried calling her and the first couple of times it went to voicemail. Tried again, this time she answered (In her sleepy voice). I kindly reminded her of our plans to gather for breakfast. She apologized and said she would be down shortly.

She joined us about 30-45 minutes later, but she wasn’t alone. She was with a man. But he wasn’t her husband. I had no clue who this man was. Talk about awkward! It was so uncomfortable for all of us.

Oh and let me not forget to add that this wasn’t the first time something like this had happened. We’re best friends and our husbands are pretty close as well. I was her alibi at times even when I didn’t know it.

You may be wondering why I would involve myself in something like this? Well the truth is I didn’t want to “judge” her. All my life, I’ve heard people throw around the oh so popular verse- Matthew 7:1, “Judge not, that you be not judged.”

With this verse engraved in my memory, I thought my Christianly duty was just to continue to love my friend for who she was- flaws and all… But what I had to realize was that I could do that and not allow myself to get entangled in her web of lies.

In 2 Timothy Paul writes to encourage Timothy in his Christian life. He urges him to be strong in what he believes. He told him to preach the gospel and teach the truth. So it’s okay to stand up for what you know is right and to stand against what you know is wrong.

Here are a few ways I was able to maintain the friendship without compromising my values, my marriage, and my sanity:

I Prayed for My Friend- 

I prayed for my friend- EVERYDAY. I prayed that God would remove the desire for her to step outside of her marriage, That He would put the fire back in their marriage as I had once witnessed before, That her husband would be forgiving of her truth, That they would both be able to move past this. And He answered every prayer.

I Created Boundaries-

I made it painfully clear that I would not be her scapegoat any longer. No more keeping secrets and lying to my husband. No more being weighed down with the burden of the truth. I let her know plain and simple, “I love you, but I love my God more.”

I Convinced her to Come Clean-

Some may say, why even bother bringing up the past? What he don’t know, won’t hurt him. Just pray about it and be done with it. No… Pray about it for sure. But you must address it. It’s the only way to move forward. Otherwise, it’s just going to keep surfacing one way or another. Repent and create a new slate.

The Praying Woman

The Praying Woman

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1 Comment

1 Comment

  1. Anna Doe

    September 29, 2016 at 10:02 am

    Seems like God has been calling me out/answering me with regard to certain things I’ve been thinking over, for weeks now. Up to my 30s, I tend to see things in black and white and make no compromises about my values and principles. When I had friends acting the way you described, I used to either tell them or let them strongly feel/know that I don’t want to be involved/complicit in this type of behavior. However, lots of things have happened since then and I changed a lot as of a result. I went through very trying times and I had almost no one to help me. The people who helped me in a tangible way, are people whose values or life choices, conflict with most of my principles and values. They’re also stubborn people who do as they please and never ever learn from their mistakes because they can’t see them, even if they’re staring at them, no matter how repetitive they’re in their lives. I felt torn between the fear of looking ungrateful and the growing discomfort I kept feeling around those people. Didn’t God use them to help me in my dire moments,? It must mean that they aren’t that bad. Besides, I was, am so afraid to have them throwing into my face, what they did for me. So what have I chosen to do lately? To keep my mouth shut and quietly distance myself. I can clearly see some of those people veering off a dangerous path, especially from a spiritual standpoint but I say nothing, I just look away. Why? I’ve admitted to myself lately, that more than the fear of being lashed out at, I have no love anymore for those people. You know how people say that the opposite of love, is indifference and not hatred? This is what I’m experiencing now. Prov 27:5-6 is so true: ” Open rebuke is better than secret love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” When you really love someone, when you really care for people, you tell them the truth no matter what it costs you, even if it means having a falling out with the person. I know what I’m talking about, I have lost very close friends over hard truths. I cared too much for them to keep quiet and I have some of them, hoping for a reconciliation but I’d been too hurt by their reaction to have them back in my life. So since I’m twice shy now after being bitten once, I keep my mouth shut around my current “friends”. That’s how I know I don’t care anymore for those people. Sometimes, I might subtly try to tell them that they’re on a dangerous path but the minute, they get defensive or act dense, I throw in the towel because the truth is that I don’t consider those people as friends anymore, no matter what they did for me. The bottom line is that: when you’re doing something wrong and that you’re aware of it (deep down, we know when we’re wrong, no matter the ton of rationalisation we might apply to the situation) and that someone close to you, calls you on it, bless the Lord for having that person in your life! Indeed, people who don’t give a rat’s ass about you, don’t care about you being the best version of yourself so even if you’re about to hit a wall, they’ll look away. That’s how I now know that I don’t love someone: utter indifference when they’re doing something wrong which is gonna cost them dearly.

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